I have some unfortunate news for you all, that is sure to shock and appall. In the past week, I’ve been noticing a new, and most disturbing, trend here in Naples: Rat Tails. No, not the kind that are actually attached to rats (even they wouldn’t be caught dead looking like that), but the kind that are attached to men’s heads. Yes, you’ve read correctly and I know, it’s frightening (if you are unfamiliar with the rat tail, first thank your lucky stars and then click here to find out) . This past week alone, I have noticed a total of five men with rat tails. That’s 5 days out of 7. That’s 5 days of my recent life in which, with horror and disgust, I laid eyes upon the braided monstrosity that is a rat tail.
Here I will take a second to elaborate upon just how much I hate rat tails. They make me feel physically uncomfortable, slightly queasy and nervous, and my head gets all jumbled and confused. I can’t stop thinking, WHY!? WHY would you chose to keep that piece of hair attached to your head, let alone go out of your way to braid it. When I see one, I feel like I’m looking at something I shouldn’t be seeing, like couples fighting in public or when you run into a friend/student/coworker on the street who claimed to be sick. At the same time, I can’t stop staring. It’s fascinating and it’s greasy hue draws my eyes into its sick, dark world. VOM.
Now, let me make clear that this has not been the norm throughout my time here; I have only begun to notice it within the past week. This must mean that the rat tail is making a comeback and will soon become a more popular trend. It’s possible that this could be a sign of the world’s impending doom, or maybe just another example of how humankind never learns from their mistakes.
We must find a way to pull together and STOP this trend before it spreads. Aside from carrying scissors with you everywhere you go, does anyone have suggestions on how we can do this? We need to find a way, we cannot let this progress any further than it already has. I think this matter should even take precedence over the GOP’s crusade against Planned Parenthood and women-in-general (insert uterus joke here), and I for one plan to write my senators about it. I hope you’ll join me and take up the cause.